Healthista sex expert Samantha Evans was plagued with weight issues and physical problems that stopped her enjoying sex in her 20s. But now she is in her 40s, it’s fabulous. Here she shares her secrets
I’m 47 and I love sex!
I’m happily married with three children, two of whom are teenagers, and I write sexual health and pleasure articles for our sex toy website Jo Divine I own and run with my husband. I also write articles for other online magazines and printed publications.
I wanted to share my thoughts on why I’m having better sex now than when I was in my 20’s to dispel the common view that by the time you hit your 40’s, your sex life will be non existent. At the age of 20 I was clueless about sex, men and my body. Now, I’m a mature woman who loves sex and knows what I want.
The girls on my corridor in the nurses’ home were far more sexually experienced than me and used to shock me with their sex talk!
I get fed up reading negative articles about being premenopausal, something which I am. There are so many things you can do to have a better sex life but, for many women, they either haven’t experienced good sex or just don’t like it and, rather than exploring way in which to overcome any sexual problems they may have, they give up.
I know that many women who do enjoy sex experience a wide range of sexual problems from decreased libido to vaginal dryness, myself included but there are things you can do to overcome these symptoms.
Thinking back to my childhood, my sex education was very limited. When I left home at 18 to start my nurse training, I was extremely innocent and naïve. The girls on my corridor in the nurses’ home were far more sexually experienced than me and used to shock me with their sex talk!
I learnt over time that scented products are problematic
I had a couple of boyfriends and a few one night stands but never had an orgasm either by my clit or vaginally with any of them as they were as inept at sex as me.
I cannot recall any of them being good in bed but then again, I didn’t know what was good or bad in bed.
After moving to London, I met my husband when I was 23. The first time we had sex I remember being a bit surprised at the size and girth of his penis when I first saw it and touched it. I remember thinking I could actually feel his penis inside me and it felt good. He also gave me an amazing orgasm through clitoral stimulation which I thanked him for as no one had ever made me come during sex before.
I often find that the best sex happens when I’m not really in the mood
In fact, I was the only person to ever make me come before!
Sex wasn’t always great. I experienced vaginismus before having children which disappeared when I gave up my job and moved to New York.
I also had many bouts of thrush, cystitis and urinary tract infections, all of which made me wary about having sex as they seemed to be sex related. I learnt over time that scented products are problematic and that hormonal changes cause thrush but no one ever offered this advice at the time. We never used lubricants which would made sex more pleasurable.
It got me thinking about what makes sex so much better for me and my husband now we’re in our late 40s
Researching sex and writing about it has been an eye opener and has made me realise just how lucky I am to have such a good sex life, compared to many people. It got me thinking about what makes sex so much better for me and my husband now we’re in our late 40s which are below.
1. We have sex frequently
Sometimes coital sex isn’t possible but you can still enjoy amazing orgasms through mutual masturbation
By this I meant 3-4 times a weeks but not always. It can be hard work motivating yourself at times, especially if you are tired or don’t feel in the mood but I find myself getting ratty with everyone if we have a dry spell. We haven’t always had sex this frequently but by making an effort, I often find that the best sex happens when I’m not really in the mood.
You don’t even have to have coital sex, just try foreplay or cuddling and kissing. Sex toys are fun and there are great sex toys for men too. Sometimes coital sex isn’t possible but you can still enjoy amazing orgasms through mutual masturbation using fingers, tongues or sex toys.
2. Sex is good for us
Having sex makes me feel good.
The benefits of having sex are huge, from releasing feel good endorphins, to reducing stress, making you sleep better and giving you glowing skin, in addition to warding off sexual dysfunction problems.
It still surprises us when we discover that we both have the same thoughts about the same sexual thing or fantasy
Owning Jo Divine has made me aware of just how many problems people experience when it comes to sex so I now write health and pleasure articles, offering practical advice and tips about how to enjoy sexual intimacy whoever you are and whatever your age, sexual problem, disability, illness or disease.
3. I know what I like and what my husband likes in bed too
Now I’m in my late 40s, I know what I’m doing when it comes to sex. I know what I like, what turns me off and how to bring pleasure to myself and my husband.
start concentrating on the pleasurable sensations running through my body
Being together for over 24 years and married for 17 of them, we have had great sex in the past but are having even better sex now because we talk about it and show each other what we want, need and enjoy. Even now, it still surprises us when we discover that we both have the same thoughts about the same sexual thing or fantasy.
4. I know how to let go
Now I’m older, I find it easier to let go and enjoy sex, rather than filling my head with all the stuff I have to do or replaying situations and conversations from the day.
Penetration feels really deep but I can control just how far I want to go
Sometimes it can be hard to switch off the chatter in your head but I have to give myself a shake and start concentrating on the pleasurable sensations running through my body, not if I’ve done the packed lunches for my children, who are really old enough to do their own- I need to let go, they won’t starve!
5. I’ve found my Inner Dominatrix
My husband loves this and so do I, it doesn’t happen every time but quite often, but there is something very sexy about dominating your man. Too many women just lie there and expect their man to do all the work, then complain when it isn’t any good.
Lying there in silence, when you would really love your breasts to be touched, or use a vibrator on your clitoris to have an orgasm isn’t going to work
I used to lie there and just let him do all the work but, now I take control, I find I have amazing blended orgasms. I get the best clitoral stimulation when on top and can control the pace at which I go so either speed up my sexual pleasure or prolong it. Penetration feels really deep but I can control just how far I want to go. I love finding my inner dominatrix
6. We talk about sex
Obviously our business is sex but we talk about what we like, what feels good, what we’d like to try and how it might make us feel. Writing about sex has made it feel better and I have discovered new techniques and ideas through my research which has increased both our sexual pleasure and fun.
Sex should never feel painful or uncomfortable and you should not endure sex in this way.
Many couples don’t talk about sex at all. Lying there in silence, when you would really love your breasts to be touched, or use a vibrator on your clitoris to have an orgasm isn’t going to work. Men need guidance, and would much rather touch you in ways that will bring you pleasure and vice versa.
7. I don’t put up with rubbish sex any more
As mentioned above, I put up with rubbish sex in my 20’s because I didn’t know any better.
I experienced vaginismus ( vaginal tightness) during my late 20’s but wouldn’t tell my partner for fear of letting him down sexually.
When he found out he was saddened that he had caused me pain and I had put up with it so he could enjoy sexual pleasure. Now, if it feels uncomfortable, I tell him and we stop.
sex feels so much better when you use lubes, whatever your age.
But many women and men endure bad sex to placate their partners.
Pretending you enjoy what they are doing when you are busy making a shopping list in your head means they think you’re enjoying it and they will continue doing it in that way. Sex should never feel painful or uncomfortable and you should not endure sex in this way. It could indicate that something is wrong.
8. I use lube
I never used sexual lubricant in my 20s as it was something old women used. As a former nurse, I used KY jelly on the hospital wards for various procedures, such as for rectal examinations and it was used during my smear test. I was vaguely aware that certain high street shops sold flavoured lubes and products which made you tingle but never considered them for my sex play.
Having had problems with thrush, cystitis and vaginal irritation, I didn’t realise that lubricants and spermicidal gels can cause such problems, having never been offered any advice by my GP.
rubber or latex sex toys are bad news and should be avoided at all costs
Having discovered YES organic lubricants 7 years ago, we have never looked back. YES has been one of the best finds for our sex life and I won’t have sex without it. It is the best lubricant I have ever tried, we just wished we’d found it after having our children.
But just mentioning the word lubricant conjurs up a sad picture of a menopausal woman, yet sex feels so much better when you use lubes, whatever your age.
There is an assumption in younger men and women that women should just be wet and ready for sex, even though hormonal changes, stress, illness and medication can all affect vaginal secretions every month.
people realise the benefits of using a sex toy for both their sexual pleasure and sexual health
Dry sex is not pleasant and can be painful, leading to tiny cuts in the vaginal wall which may get infected. Using a good lubricant nourishes the tissues of the vaginal walls, making them feel moisturised and more pliable. It can make insertion of the penis or sex toys easier too.
Men can benefit from using lubricant too, especially during manual masturbation.
9. Sex toys make a huge difference
Owning a sex toy company allows me to experiment with new sex toys to find one perfect for my needs. Having said that, my husband and I use a variety of sex toys that offer different sexual sensations so I don’t think just one will ever do.
Selling well made, skin safe products also makes me realise that jelly, rubber or latex sex toys are bad news and should be avoided at all costs, which is why we don’t sell them.
Sex toys sales are increasing as they become acceptable within society and people realise the benefits of using a sex toy for both their sexual pleasure and sexual health.
Surprisingly, many younger people don’t use sex toys within their relationships to avoid upsetting their partner, yet sex toys used during sexual intercourse can increase your sexual pleasure, not diminish it.
Stuides show that 75% of women only orgasm clitorally during sex, a fact that many women and men fail to understand. Using a small bullet vibrator on your clitoris during sex is great or try a vibrating cock ring that you can both enjoy.
Many women believe that sex toys are a threat to a relationship but studies have shown that most men are happy for their partners to use them. Some women like using a sex toy, such as a vibrator, but think their partner is strange if he wants to use one, yet there are many great sex toys for men which can increase sexual pleasure for you both.
A vibrator or dildo can never replace a man’s penis but can help you enjoy sexual pleasure if you don’t have a man around.
Writing about sex has made me more sexually confident, I’ve always liked sex but I love it now
Many older women buy a vibrator when their partner has died or their relationship has broken up because they miss the sexual pleasure and still want to experience it or if their partner has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have penetrative sex.
Writing about sex has made me more sexually confident, I’ve always liked sex but I love it now
10…so does making noise!
Making sounds of pleasure will encourage your partner to continue what they’re doing. Most men find responsiveness a greater turn on than the way you look. Encouraging your partner turns you both on as they are doing something that pleasures you and you get to enjoy it. This works both ways.
I hope we will continue to have fantastic sex until we die
11. Being more confident helps too
I’ve had three children and still blame my tummy on our youngest child who is 11! However I have good boobs which my man loves.
Lying there sucking in your tummy means you’re not concentrating on the sex and what’s happening to your body. Most men don’t give a stuff about how you look, they love confidence. Too much emphasis is put on being perfect when you partner loves your smile, the dimple on your chin, your luscious buttocks or come to bed eyes!
I’m making a silicone copy of his penis so I can still enjoy him
I have had weight issues in the past like many women but now I have found the right balance, eating healthily, drinking alcohol occasionally and taking regular exercise.
I quite like the way I look now, something I probably wouldn’t have said 5 years ago. Writing about sex has made me more sexually confident, I’ve always liked sex but I love it now. I feel better when I’ve had sex even if I’m really tired and just want to sleep.
I hope we will continue to have fantastic sex until we die. I know there are ways in which we can keep our sexual intimacy alive into our twilight years even if we are too arthritic to make love.
By the way, if my hubbie goes before me, I’m making a silicone copy of his penis so I can still enjoy him!
I’ll probably need a few to keep me going!
Samantha Evans is co-founder and a features writer of Jo Divine, an online sex toy company. Having an extensive knowledge about sex toys, Samantha is a sexpert and enjoys creating informative articles about sexual health and pleasure. Sam is a former nurse and also writes regular features for several leading websites including So Feminine, The Independent online,Female First and Net Doctor. Samantha is always looking at ways in which both genders can increase their sexual pleasure as well as benefiting their sexual health and well being. Whatever your age, sex, medical condition or disability, she believes that it is always possible to find ways in which to continue enjoying sex, it just requires being more imaginative and adventurous. Follow Samantha on twitter@SamTalksSex