Tantric sex is often shrouded in mystery but it’s a great way of connecting with your partner, says Jan Day, the UK’s leading tantric sex expert. She explains how
Tantra is the Sanskrit word for union and although the focus in the media is mostly on the sexual part, as a teacher, I focus on applying that union to the whole person, as well as to their sexual nature.
In order to have a healthy, holistic, conscious sex life, we have to learn the art of good communication; what I call sexual intelligence.
Even if it’s difficult to admit that you’re not enjoying one particular part of your sex life – for instance, you would like less hard thrusting movements and more slowness instead – it’s important to be able to create a safe way for both of you to talk.
And this kind of conversation produces vulnerability so you both have to know this vulnerability is okay. This is an intrinsic part of my work.
Here I bring you seven ways to help you improve your relationship with both yourself and your partner if you have one, inspired by Tantra.
Tantric sex tip #1: Connect with yourself
If we can’t connect to ourselves, then we can’t connect to our partners. It’s important to be able to develop a way of connecting and opening your own heart first, in order to invite that sort of connection between you and your partner.
Take five minutes before having sexual contact, to actually tune into yourself, as a regular practice.
So, take some time without any activity to simply tune into yourself. Close your eyes, breathe and feel into your body, sensations and feelings. Make space for what’s arising in you and to allow you to come home to yourself.
At the end of this time, open your eyes and really see your partner as if for the first time, silently acknowledging everything that you love and desire about them. This atmosphere of appreciation brings a loving quality to your love-making.
Tantric sex tip #2: Get the end out of your mind
Having aims and expectations around sex can bring disappointment and disconnection because you’re always thinking about that end goal such as each having an orgasm or one at the same time. Try sex without these goals.
If you allow yourselves to simply be with whatever happens organically around sexuality, you might discover that it’s the kissing that really connects you both. And you might try staying with that activity and not going any further.
This helps you to be with whatever is happening now in this moment, which could be vulnerability. One of you might be feeling upset by something happening in another part of your life, so this can become a space in your love-making that allows you both to feel deeply connected.
Tantric sex tip #3: Be slow and relax
A quickie is fun and exciting sometimes but it isn’t as fulfilling and deeply nourishing as connected sex.
Begin slowly and allow the whole body to become aroused. Once aroused, relish the arousal and relax your muscles, particularly the pelvic muscles. This is so that you don’t push immediately to higher arousal but rather encourage the flow of feelings, energies and sensations.
You can even slow down again and play with the ebb and flow of arousal. When we relax our sex muscles, we can dive deeper into intimacy and connection, extend the duration of our love-making, and experience heightened pleasure.
Tantric sex tip #4: Communicate before, during and after – it’s sexy
Be willing to practice good communication before (not necessarily immediately before), during and after sex.
Emotional honesty is the key to this kind of communication and connection. Be aware that the time just before sex can be very vulnerable so be especially careful around what you say and how you say it at this time.
Before – Practice communicating about what makes you contract, close down, not want to open up. Practice communicating about what you like during sex and also how you are afterwards. It takes courage to go there but it is so worth it.
Also talk about desires and fantasies. What really turns you on and how wild you can be, as well as quiet.
Share responses too and this all contributes to a sense of deep connection between you. Share a vision of how you imagine love-making could be.
During – Communicate via eye contact. Set up some words such as ‘slow down, I’m not ready, pause, stop’ – so that you can both communicate and stay out of reactivity when things need to change.
Remember that mid-sex is a highly emotional and vulnerable experience for most people so guidance about what you’d like at that moment – can easily be seen as criticism.
So practicing words that might be used at this time – is very useful.
Remember that mid-sex is a highly emotional and vulnerable experience for most people so guidance about what you’d like at that moment – can easily be seen as criticism.
But watch out that you don’t tolerate touch that you don’t want because you fear this result. You can discover that connection in this way enables honesty that builds trust and allows deeper relaxation together because you don’t have to second guess each other.
After – Bask in the connection that you have created. Hold each other. Stay in connection.
Next day – Check in about what worked and what didn’t. Find time to talk about what delighted you and what you’d like to be different.
Tantric sex tip #5: Show the real you
In order to feel really connected show what you really love and let pain and discomfort show too. Don’t pretend. Support each other in this activity.
Tantric sex tip #6: Set boundaries
There will be times when you might not feel like penetrative sex but would be willing to have a cuddle, or engage in one-way touch.
It’s a good idea to have an agreement with your partner around sexual activity. This gives you both the freedom to say what you really want and then negotiate around it on that particular occasion.
All sorts of connections can arise from this emotional honesty, and these agreements enable connection where there might have been a complete halt.
Be aware of your own boundaries and they might change from day to day.
Tantric sex tip #7: Be prepared to leave your comfort zone
We often operate on auto-pilot and it’s easy to get stuck in old routines that seem to work.
Sharing fantasies and desires and a vision can break these sex habits. Try making love in a different place and a different time.
Express appreciations for each other before you start.
Try undressing each other. Find different ways of creating a loving atmosphere.
Have a bath together. Dress up for each other.
Have fun.
Jan Day is one of the UK’s top tantra and relationship teachers. Warmth, compassion and emotional safety characterize her workshops with both couples and singles.
One of the most significant aspects of Jan’s courses is the healing of sexual issues. These areas of life can be scary to admit to – so Jan focuses on creating a trusting environment where people can work on them. Participants often talk about how much integrity Jan brings to this arena and it is often in the form of teaching how to have safe boundaries, so relevant to this #MeToo era.
‘I create a learning environment where people can get a vital education in communicating effectively, creating authentic, intimate long-term relationships, understanding their sexual nature and finding a warm-hearted and healthy expansion of their sensual nature.’
Find out more at janday.com.
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