Having trouble reaching orgasm? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Sexpert Samantha Evans offers advice on how to achieve orgasm, with some easy tips…
I am a 38 year old woman and I have never had an orgasm. I am married and I really enjoy sex with my husband, I get aroused and he is giving in bed, except I never seem to get pushed over the edge into that magic release that people talk about – it makes him anxious too, even though I really love the sex and feel so turned on by him. Can you help me find a way to reach orgasm – either with myself or with him?
First things first: do you know how to have an orgasm? It may sound silly but many women do not know how to achieve an orgasm. You say you really enjoy sex and are turned on by your husband, but how in tune are you with your sexual needs? Have you ever explored your body to find out what feels pleasurable?
70 per cent of women only orgasm through clitoral stimulation during sexual intercourse
70 per cent of women only orgasm through clitoral stimulation during sexual intercourse. There is a misconception that women will always achieve a vaginal orgasm, but many women are unable to experience them either due to the sexual position they’re using, lack of stimulation or being unable to let go of their inhibitions.
I suggest that you sit in front of a mirror or use a hand mirror to explore your clitoris and vagina with your fingers to find out what brings you sexual pleasure. You could initially do this alone and then with your husband showing him where and how to touch you to make it feel pleasurable. Some women find that direct clitoral stimulation can become uncomfortable as their clitoris becomes too sensitive. Touching the clitoris through the fabric of your knickers or a small satin sheet or piece of silky ribbon can be incredibly arousing for many women as it introduces new sensations to foreplay and sex play. If this doesn’t work for you, try using a little lubricant, such as Yes Oil Based Lubrication 75ml to make direct touch an even more pleasurable experience. Most women are able to orgasm through stimulating their clitoris due to it being enriched with nerves, making it highly sensitive. Using a good plant based lubricant can make sex feel much more pleasurable and last longer too.
Touching the clitoris through the fabric of your knickers or a small satin sheet or piece of silky ribbon can be incredibly arousing
There is a misconception that women will always achieve a vaginal orgasm, but many women are unable to experience them either due to the sexual position they’re using, lack of stimulation or being unable to let go of their inhibitions.
Consider using a clitoral vibrator, massaging it gently over your clitoris and around your labia. Many clitoral vibrators offer varying speeds and pulse patterns, so have a play with the control to find a speed of vibration and pulsation pattern to suit your needs. Once you are familiar with how your vibrator feels, let your husband take control, guiding him as to how to massage the vibrator over your clitoris.Tell him all the sensations you are feeling: being open about your needs can enhance your sex play as you become more sexually confident within yourself. If you can orgasm through solo play and foreplay with a clitoral vibrator, try using it during sex.
A bullet style vibrator, such as a Kinky Bullet, (right) is small enough to slip between you and your husband during sexual intercourse, or try using it on your clitoris when on top. Often the power of the vibrations will travel through you and into your man’s penis, making sex feel extremely pleasurable for the both of you.
If this doesn’t work for you, you may need more stimulation as some women do, so consider a more powerful vibrator, such as Fun Factory Big Boss G5 (left) which is very flexible and ideal for stronger clitoral stimulation.It is excellent when used internally for G-spot stimulation too. There is also such a thing as an A-Spot orgasm, which is similar to a cervical orgasm and can be achieved through deeper penetration. Stimulation of the anterior fornix, found near the cervix, is highly pleasurable for many women, and is especially so when combined with clitoral touch too! The Big Boss G5 is an ideal product for this too because of its generous length and girth. BUY HERE.
There is also such a thing as an A-Spot orgasm, which is similar to a cervical orgasm and can be achieved through deeper penetration.
Vibrating penis rings are good for couples’ play as they not only make the penis feel bigger but also stimulate the clitoris. Try using a Lelo Tor or Pino (right) during sex- I find the best position when using a cock ring is to be on top as it allows you to take control of the speed and depth of penetration too. This position is excellent for G-spot stimulation as it feels quite deep. Combining clitoral stimulation with deep penetration can often lead to blended orgasms whereby you have both G-Spot and clitoral orgasm simultaneously.
If you are constantly thinking, ‘Am I there yet? Will it happen? When will it happen?’ you’re not completely in the moment and therefore will struggle to achieve an orgasm.
One of the stumbling blocks to achieving an orgasm is that we are so worried about it. We need to switch the chatter off in our heads, which gets in the way of letting the wave of pleasure flow over us . If you are constantly thinking, ‘Am I there yet? Will it happen? When will it happen’ you’re not completely in the moment and therefore will struggle to achieve an orgasm. You mentioned that you struggle to be tipped over the edge into your orgasm, so perhaps take the focus away from achieving one as this could ultimately be preventing you from climaxing. Taking your mind off orgasming could lead to you having one.
If you find that you can’t orgasm during sexual intercourse, have longer foreplay sessions that include oral sex as well as intimate touching. Achieving an orgasm prior to having intercourse means that you can concentrate on all those wonderful sexual sensations running through your body without worrying about when or if you will have an orgasm during sex. Being intimate with your partner means losing control over your inhibitions which some women find hard to do. Consider writing down your sexual fantasies to find out what turns you on, and ask your husband too. His fantasies might match yours which you can both share during sex. Often thinking about these fantasies whilst masturbating alone or during sex can enable you to orgasm.
Taking your mind off orgasming could lead to you having one.
On a final note, some women have a condition called anorgasmia whereby they are unable to orgasm as a result of trauma, from surgical intervention to the hormones released during a caesarian section, to personal or religious beliefs. Many women can still enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure even if they are unable to orgasm. You say you enjoy sex and are turned on, so if you stop worrying about having an orgasm and start to focus on how pleasurable your sex play is, by mixing things up with different positions, role play and sex toys, you’ll soon be enjoying great orgasms and having fun in the process.
Samantha Evans is co-founder and a features writer of Jo Divine, an online sex toy company. Having an extensive knowledge about sex toys, Samantha is a sexpert and enjoys creating informative articles about sexual health and pleasure. She also writes regular features for several leading websites including So Feminine, The Independent online, Female First and Net Doctor. Samantha is always looking at ways in which both genders can increase their sexual pleasure as well as benefiting their sexual health and well being. Whatever your age, sex, medical condition or disability, she believes that it is always possible to find ways in which to continue enjoying sex, it just requires being more imaginative and adventurous. Follow Samantha on twitter @SamTalksSex