A new tumblr blog, How To Make Me Come, is giving women all over the chance to tell the truth on exactly what makes them reach orgasm
When it comes to the subject of orgasm, it’s hardly a big secret that women find it harder to reach their happy ending. And, let’s be honest, sometimes men could do with a helping hand when it comes to satisfying their woman. But no more will we have to fake our way through sexual encounters, thinking about building our partner’s ego rather than building to our own climax.
It’s hardly a big secret that women find it harder to reach their happy ending
This is thanks to the Tumblr blog, How To Make Me Come which encourages women to write anonymously about their sexual encounters along with their sexual likes and dislikes. The blog is the brainchild of a 27 year old American based writer who goes by the nom de plume ‘Sylvia’ who wrote her first anonymous post, prompted by a disappointing sexual encounter of her own.
Sylvia, speaking exclusively to The Times, says ‘I felt like he misunderstood what I was going through sexually and I was unable to talk about it in the moment. It was the level of miscommunication that really stuck with me.’
Struggling to speak up herself, she decided to discuss her problems with a friend and found they ended up sharing a lot more than she anticipated. Sylvia says, ‘We’d never discussed sex in so much detail and so honestly. At the end I felt very charged up about it and thought that I needed to give this feeling to other women.’ And that’s exactly what she did.
We’d never discussed sex in so much detail and so honestly…I thought that I needed to give this feeling to other women
Sylvia came up with the idea of having a community of women speaking up about sexual pleasure. At the top of the blog she wrote, ‘Imagine you could talk to a past or future sexual partner, free of judgment or repercussion. What would you want them to know?’. She sent this round to friends via email, who in turn passed this on to friends of friends. Little did she know just how many women would be willing to share their experiences. After just a few weeks of going live, the blog has gone viral, and we are absolutely loving it.
Funny, blunt, informative and above all entertaining, the blog posts are all different but all wonderful in their own way, offering words of wisdom for their partners and tips for their fellow women too. Sylvia says, ‘A key one is to speak up. Speak up when the sex is good and speak up when it’s uncomfortable.’ At last, women are being encouraged to have a voice in the bedroom and ensure they enjoy the sex as much as their partner.
We love that so many women are not only taking advantage of this, but are happily and openly sharing their most intimate experiences with other women. It is something that every woman can contribute to, or, at the very least, learn from. The posts can be completely different Sylvia says. ‘It’s a reminder that we are all coming to the table with different histories and expectations, with different likes and dislikes. So whether it’s a one-night stand or a serious long-term relationship, we all have to admit that we can’t read our partners’ minds and they can’t read ours. We need to speak up.’
we all have to admit that we can’t read our partners’ minds and they can’t read ours. We need to speak up.
Sylvia believes that there are multiple reasons why women generally struggle to talk about sexual pleasure. ‘One is because it’s highly personal – there are a lot of elements to our sex lives that are awkward, vulnerable and embarrassing to admit. Another is because there is an expectation that as an adult, you are supposed to be an expert on your own sexuality, something which, in reality, is continually evolving.’
there is an expectation that as an adult, you are supposed to be an expert on your own sexuality, something which, in reality, is continually evolving.
As well as this, she believes that women do not want to offend their partners, ‘Women want to please, in general. You don’t want to be a jerk to someone you’ve just slept with for the first time, because the odds are that person was nervous or feeling awkward. You don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone you are married to.’ So rather than speaking up with confidence, women would rather face dissatisfaction in order to avoid an awkward conversation.
Women want to please, in general. You don’t want to be a jerk to someone you’ve just slept with for the first time, because the odds are that person was nervous or feeling awkward
The blog gives women the opportunity to be open about their feelings and hopefully, the fact that so many women are opening up and discovering that they are not alone in their sexual dissatisfaction, means it will give them the confidence they need to be honest with their partner.
Luckily, it is not only women who are enjoying the blog, as according to data analysis, more than half of those reading the blog are male. Fingers crossed, they’ll be taking notes as they read.
Some of our favourite quotes from How To Make Me Come:
‘that thrust will set me off like the Fourth of July just had an orgy with Cupid and Santa’
‘So I made things simpler. Fuck me. Hard. Preferably from behind. Because once you get that angle, that oh-so perfect angle just right, that thrust will set me off like the Fourth of July just had an orgy with Cupid and Santa while the Easter Bunny jerked off in the corner and the world exploded with fireworks, flowers, presents, and chocolate cream eggs all at once, then twice, oh wait…one more time…there…I’m good…pardon while I tremble. Am I crying? It’s ok, it’s the good kind.’
‘Why am I putting someone else’s made up need for me to have an orgasm above my apparent need to not have one?’
‘Faking an orgasm is a sign that so many rotten things are happening. A lack of honest discourse. An inability to communicate what I need, how I need it, or that I don’t need anything at all. An absence of trust. Unproductive fear. The desire to single-handedly control a situation. I’ve done it. Even to people I love. I feel oddly ashamed of myself when I do. It’s amazing the things women do to avoid being rude or upsetting someone. Why am I putting someone else’s made up need for me to have an orgasm above my apparent need to not have one? I shouldn’t be sleeping with you at all or at least not without a serious relational overhaul if this happens. When this happens, it’s no one’s fault but my own.’
‘As I came, something different arose, a warm tide of emotions rushing up from my core.’
‘I remember the first time I cried after sex. I felt the familiar surge of a woman-on-top orgasm, working its way to the surface from the inside out. As I came, something different arose, a warm tide of emotions rushing up from my core. Tears came in surges, little streams sneaking out from beneath my clenched eyelids, pooling in the space between his clavicle and his neck. I was flooded with a terrifying beauty I had yet to experience, swallowing me deeply into the moment.’
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‘I’d be so concerned with their finishing that I’d ignore my own.’
‘I’d made sex for the man and not for myself. I would be too ashamed to say, “Hey, this isn’t working for me,” because I would want them to think I was easy going and had had tons of experience. I’d be so concerned with their finishing that I’d ignore my own. I would be too frightened to admit I wasn’t sure I knew what I wanted.’
‘When I took a hand mirror down there and discovered what I was really working with, I was horrified. Barbie didn’t have anything down there!’
‘I remember becoming aware of my sex organs for the first time, I couldn’t have been more than five years old, pulling on my inner labia like, ‘What’s this doing here?’ When I took a hand mirror down there and discovered what I was really working with, I was horrified. Barbie didn’t have anything down there! I felt there was this unspoken societal norm that women were supposed to have tiny, tucked up, perfect, inner flowers. I remember flipping through a Playboy for the first time and noticing that all the labia had been carelessly airbrushed away like unflattering wrinkles.’
‘I don’t want to be having sex where faking an orgasm is the only way out of it’
‘I haven’t had many conversations with other girls about faking orgasms. Maybe that’s because it really isn’t something to be proud of, or maybe because when it does happen it’s likely due to a sub-par sexual experience that’s not worth writing home about. But I do know this: I don’t want to be having sex where faking an orgasm is the only way out of it. I don’t want to be having sex where I even NEED a way out of it. I want guys to know that having an orgasm is not always simple or easy. I don’t want them to assume that it’s going to happen for all women and during each and every sexual encounter, and in some cases, it may not happen ever. I want them to understand that if a woman seems like she is really enjoying sex, she probably is! But that still doesn’t mean she’s definitely going to climax. And in that vein, if we don’t climax, don’t be offended–just ask questions to find out what will help next time. Ask us, “What turns you on? What feels good? What do you want me to do?” Don’t be afraid to have a dialogue before, during, and after sex. Ask us questions, and when we answer those questions, LISTEN. Any woman is going to appreciate a man who is attentive to her sexual needs and wants. Anyone can fake an orgasm. But really hot, highly pleasurable sex where both people are on the same page because they’ve checked in with each other and are honest about what turns them on— that’s about as real as it gets.’
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